[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
You Might Also Like
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
2022 will be better than 2021
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.