DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
❤️🦆
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.