[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs