“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
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*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.