If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.