Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
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I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Most fashion shows these days…
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages