I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
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The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader