There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I only eat vegetarians.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
same energy
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.