Unexpected Judgment
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Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.