“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.