There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
You Might Also Like
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.