[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
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H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.