AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
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That took me a moment.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
i wish i could marry a nap
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.