A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
You Might Also Like
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
War & Peace
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Hit me in the face with a bird
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.