*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
You Might Also Like
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Gods work.