Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
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Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.