you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
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Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Spring of Deception
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.