Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.