the simulation is moving too fast
You Might Also Like
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.