If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
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Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
life finds a way
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.