The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
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so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
i wish i could marry a nap
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
I am patiently waiting for your email