When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
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My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?