me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
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Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Going to church you guys need anything
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”