Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
You Might Also Like
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
This is me 🤣🤣
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??