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A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
bought wrong eggs
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…