May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
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Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Strange
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.