Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
You Might Also Like
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
wish me luck lads
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner