You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
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Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.