Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
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Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)