Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
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Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
hey, alexa
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
When someone trying to leave me
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant