My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
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no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.