Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
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I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.