I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
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Schrödinger’s cookie
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I know this now 😂
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.