In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
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Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
This could be us… but you playing
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along