HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
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Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.