At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
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*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Lmao
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”