We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
You Might Also Like
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Just a friendly reminder!
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
You have been warned.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?