Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
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Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.