LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
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3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
“I FIXED IT!”
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I have never related to a cat more
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?