Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
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Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I have many caverns
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance