me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
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Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
There’s never enough good news
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
New mindset, who dis?
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.