Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
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Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.