It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
You Might Also Like
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.