My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
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When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings