What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
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Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
My daily affirmation
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.