I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
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Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
When does CPR become necrophilia?
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.