It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
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At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
The asteroid..
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
found my next D&D character name
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.