Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
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Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Customize Your Wedding.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
become ungovernable
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.