So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
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Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Does beer think about me too?
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Florida man
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Plant care tips
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.