Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
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ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
We need to put an American base on the sun
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
🤣😈🤣
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.